Bisexuality Part 2: My Path To Self Discovery And Acceptance

I will say it again at the opening of this blog. This is my personal journey. It’s a journey and not a hard set understanding of the world. My views I’m sure will change over time. Since accepting my sexuality, my views have already changed. Even accepting my sexuality denotes a change in worldview.

 

So, first off, I’ve noticed that other women have the hardest time understanding and accepting that I’m bi and are the ones to make me feel the most uncomfortable especially if they verbalize traits of being bisexual without wanting to say that they are. However, there have been a few problems with men I know. One man was okay with his fuck buddy rubbing on me when he thought it was a show for him, but soon changed his mind when he realized she is actually into girls. After that conversation, she now denies even being attracted to other women. I’ve only had my sexuality questioned twice, which is good since that seems to be a big problem in the bi community.

 

So, since I am just coming to terms with my sexuality and I’m trying to understand it, I tried attending a meeting of a local bi group. I was sorely disappointed. There were only two other people at the meeting. Where are all my bisexuals? I live in a major city with a large LGBTQ presence. We are not well represented in the community nor in mainstream society, we have the highest rates of suicide and being domestic violence victims than the L or the G in LGBT. So, we need to support each other yet there is no real sense of community. We make up 46.5% of LGBT (as reported by the William Institute in 2011). Did you hear me? That’s fucking 46.5%! So, why aren’t we out there supporting each other? However, I will say that I was relieved of finding support and being able to ask questions of real life people and to have bisexual discussions with bisexual people for once!

The next thing I learned was that there isn’t a difference between bi and pan. In my original blog about being bi, I stated that bi and pan were two different things. They are not. Being bi means that you can fall anywhere on the scale between attraction to one gender or another and that you just like what you like. Bisexuality was defined a very long time ago in the Victorian era so it’s not like at that time there was a ton of understanding of how that pertains to gender which can be just as complicated and varied as sexuality. Therefore, the term bisexual was invented to describe these people with sexual attraction to more than one gender.

 

The term pansexual was first used in the early 1900’s in psychology to describe the belief that everything humans do, all their activities and beliefs revolve around sexual urges and sexual instincts. This specifically pertains to Freud who broke down every psychological problem to the root of sexual desires and instincts. This is why Freud is so famous for saying that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar because to Freud’s mode of therapy, a cigar would be a phallic symbol. I had a difficult time finding out when the term went from being used this way to being used as meaning a person attracted to all genders.

There was a blog that really changed my view on what all of this meant. This was a blog posted in February on wordpress called the Radical Bi written by a transgendered person.

http://radicalbi.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/words-binary-and-biphobia-or-why-bi-is-binary-but-ftm-is-not/

 

“Apparently the first people to make this binary claim were not at all trans people, but one gay male and one straight female (gay-male-identified) academics. I mean, of course, Eve Kosofski-Sedgwick and Lee Edelman (separately). I could only find a quote of Edelman. Here is what he says in his 1994 book “Homographies”:
[...] the hetero/homo binarism (a binarism more effectively reinforced, than disrupted by the “third term” of bisexuality)

(I guess we’re not worth more than brackets, huh?)

Sedgwick said something, to the same extent, at around the same time.

So, apparently the transgender community didn’t make this up at all, but took this from the proverbial Academe. I don’t mention this to mock the transgender community, but rather to point out standpoints within this debate. To say that the stance on bisexuality as binary has been initiated, it appears, by an academic gay white cisman and an academic straight white ciswoman is to say that these people had a political and academic interest in the elimination of bisexuality from their theory and studies.”

 

So, is there cissexism/binarism in the bi community? Well, I’d be a liar if I said no. Of course there is because there is in the lesbian community, in the gay community and in the mainstream society at large. There is a lot of Tran phobic people out there and therefore the bi community is not exempt. However, does our very existence create binarism? Does being bisexual exclude transgender? Hell no. It simply means that I fall somewhere in between the heteronomative/homonormative and I could have any variety of taste in between these two. If I’m a bi person that is not sexually attracted to transsexuals does this mean I’m transphobic? Well, are all heterosexuals homophobic because they’re not attracted to the same sex? Are all homosexuals heterophobic because they are not attracted to the opposite sex? Hell no. That doesn’t even make any sense. So stop declaring that bisexuals are all transphobic and create a binary between genders.

 

 

 

As a bi person that has recently come to terms with her sexuality, I have really given deep thought and time of introspection to figure out what that means to me and exactly what I am and am not attracted to. I have yet to have any sexual attraction to any transsexual that I have seen. I guess this doesn’t really mean that I never will. Who could say that about anything? I really do believe never say never. Also, I do know that I could be romantically attracted to a transsexual because I’m a passionate person and love people passionately for who they are. I tend to have very intimate relationships with people and have strong emotions for them when they are close to me. So, I know I could fall in love with a transsexual. Who knows, maybe that’s when I would then become sexually attracted, after I fell for that person. However, I am definitely not transphobic for I do not think of transpeople in any negative way. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being trans and would proudly stand beside a trans as friend, family, etc and support them fully and publicly without hesitation. As a part of the LGBTQ community I think cohesion and support of each other is the key and the most important thing. We should not be divisive.

 

Just Stop While You Still Can

If you really aren’t stalking me then why are you reading my blog? I also am sure that you have already created another facebook account so that you can see my page since you are blocked from it. :p I honestly haven’t tried to look at your page or contact you in anyway, yet you keep contacting me like on here anonymously and on my facebook and commenting on my shit on my amazon and my goodreads, creating multiple accounts and using your teenage sister’s to continue to do so. If you aren’t obsessed and aren’t stalking me, you sure are watching me with a microscope. I have tried to cut ties and go my own way. It’s you that keeps clinging on. You hate that I have finished my book, have someone to edit it, have someone to make a book cover for it, have someone to help me make advertisements and a website. Where’s your book? Do you have a publisher for it since that’s so important to you? When you do then you really have something to say. Until then, keep on envying what I have done. I don’t care to get negative feedback and I’m sure that I will. There will be plenty of people to not like me and not like my work. I have thought about trying to get a publisher. I am fine on my own, but it may be a goal for me in the future. You wouldn’t know that though because I don’t talk to you. I can take criticism. I just can’t stand a bully who lies and says they bought my book when they didn’t. I can’t stand it when someone writes something snarky because they are lashing out angrily because I don’t want to be their friend anymore. I can’t stand it someone who is trying to hurt what I have worked so hard on because they envy me because they can’t put the same amount of time and effort into their own life and their own works and have no follow through and they have no real friends. I can’t stand it when someone forgets that I have dealt with being bullied and been a victim of passive agressive crazy ass behavior in the past from multiple people and I don’t stand down and I don’t give up and beat myself up because they are trying to tear me down. I would never do these things to someone else because it is petty and childish. Grow the fuck up. Get a life. Move the fuck on. Go write your own damn book. Unlike you, I won’t interfere with my biased opinions and nasty attitude based on our past conflicts. In fact, good luck with it. Just leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want you to be a part of my life. I don’t care about what you are doing, what you think or what you have to say. I am no longer a friend. I don’t give a damn. Just walk away while you still have some dignity left.

PS Pointing out the fact that I’m goth, that just proves my point. You are being personal and petty. Also, yeah, like making fun of goth people hasn’t happened before. That’s original.

PSS It doesn't make it more valid that you are quoting from my book to justify your review. You personally despise me because you were so caught up in me that my walking away hurt you deeply. You can't do an honest review, an objective review of something when you are this hurt by the person who wrote it. You can't so stop trying to prove that you can. You having a 4-5 year realtionship with me that ended terribly means that you are too involved personally to be objective. It's not going to prove your point. Again, you made multiple personas to dig back into my life. You can't do that then say that you have a valid, unbiased, objective opinion of anything I write. Also, you are not a horror fan. You know nothing about the genre. You were frightened by the Mothman saying that there was chapstick in Richard Gear's shoe. Stop acting like you are an expert on the subject. You like Twilight and The Sookie Stackhouse series. You know nothing about writing. What writing and literature classes have you taken? That's right. None. You are crazy, obsessed and stalking me. You can't stop posting about my book and about me. You are lashing out because of the hatred and spite you hold so closely to your heart. It's pathetic. Grow up, move on and live your own life.

Polytheism Versus Monotheism

In my books, polytheism is at the forefront. I am an eclectic Wiccan and I love to study other religions, so it became a theme in my writing. I used to be monotheistic as I was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian home. However, I now do not understand the world in that context anymore. So, all of my mythical creatures in my stories have a base from pagan traditions instead of Christian ones. I tried to follow the clues and hints through research to the original sources of the creatures I adapted. This meant that I followed them back to the original pagan source as best I could. So, most creatures are not just pagan in nature, but many of them have pagan beliefs. Also, most of my main character vampires are extremely old and have pagan beliefs they carried over from their former human lives.

Pagans saw the world very differently than our monotheistic cultures, and those who practice neopaganism revive those roots and attempt to change their worldview to fit in with the views of their pagan ancestors. So, I have come to realize that many people who may read my book may not understand these ancient concepts and continue to read the book through the eyes of the broader monotheistic societal views. They will look at certain spirits, deities and beings as being evil no matter what happens in the book. So, I wanted to write this blog to explain the differences so that those who have not had much exposure to polytheism and paganism may understand the concepts better.

First off, monotheism places everything that exists under the rein of one deity. Therefore, it can cause a contradiction and strict moral codes to worship such a deity. In polytheism each deity plays a different role. These roles can be vastly different from each other. However, these deities are very consistent with their nature and with what they require from followers. The contradictions lie within the desires and natures of one deity in comparison to another. So, how does one appease one deity without upsetting another? Balance. Pagans believe in a balance in life and between energies and forces. Too much of any one thing is not necessarily a good thing. This website explains this very well:
http://education-portal.com/academy/lesson/whats-the-difference-between-polytheism-and-monotheism.html

The idea of animism is a predominant feature of most pagan/polytheistic religions. Animism is the belief that objects, specifically natural ones, but can include manmade, have a spirit. In many traditions even places have their own spirit. An example of place spirits is household deities such as lares, cofgodas and brownies, and deities of wells, springs, grottos and meadows. A popular example would be the Lady of the Lake. There are many fairy and other spirit creatures that represent the same concept such as nymphs, satyrs, neiads, vaetirr, wights, green man, and other fairy creatures. For more info on animism check out this website:
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/articles/a/animism.htm

The other difference between monotheism, Christianity specifically and polytheism is the concept of sin and evil. There is no strict view of good vs. evil in polytheism. There are some exceptions such as Set being referred to as the evil god in Egyptian religion and devil like beings that are malevolent in various religions. For the most part, there is no great battle between good and evil, and there is no duality that states everything of this category is good and everything in this category is evil. There is no real concept to compare to hell except Tartarus in Greek myth. Most people didn’t go to Tartarus. You would have to do something extremely evil to go to Tartarus. Actually, Tartarus started off as just being a cage for the Titans and other nasty creatures and slowly became a place of punishment for the extremely wicked.

This really goes back to the form of duality that infiltrated religion. The duality I speak of is moral dualism. The figure of Satan as an antagonist. The fear of being swayed by the devil which will then send you to hell to burn for all eternity leads to moral decisions solely based on fear and not of wanting the best for yourself and society. The other detriment of dualism is the fact that we now categorize everything into opposites. It leads to concrete thinking and a black/white, either/or mentality. Now we look at light versus dark, good versus evil, moral versus amoral, honesty versus deceit. We now have strict standards and unrealistic expectations to live up to. This leads to unnecessary and damaging feelings of guilt. Though the bible teaches us to judge not lest ye be judged, this dualism creates an environment of judgmental attitude. We judge ourselves and others as we see that we cannot fit these expectations. We hide who we really are so as not to be seen as imperfect, flawed and evil by others. If we are not perfect and good then we must be evil.  

Much of these modern concepts owe credit to Zoroastrianism. Zoroaster or Zarathustra lived in what is now modern day Iran between 1400 and 1000 B.C.E. He founded a religion with one central good god, Ahura Mazda who had a host of good spirits who worked good deeds for him and fought for his side, and an antagonist, Angra Mainyu who had a host of bad spirits who worked evil deeds for him and fought on his side. If this sounds familiar, it’s because Judaism, Christianity and Islam were all highly influenced by this earlier religion. There are many more similarities that are strikingly uncanny. This page is a lengthy read, but I highly recommend it. It explains the influence of Zoroastrianism on modern day monotheism.
http://historicaltextarchive.com/sections.php?action=read&artid=754

 A concept of that is a part of many pagan traditions that is foreign to most versions of Christianity and other monotheistic religions is the concept of channeling or invoking deity. I can only compare it to the concept of being filled with the Holy Spirit in evangelical Christianity. Those who are not familiar with this can turn their TV to TBN and watch it take place. Other than that is the concept of demon possession. Unlike demon possession, the deity does not take over the body to torture, commit evil acts, etc. Also, channeling is of the decision of the person. The deity will not possess an unwilling participant. I hate comparing it to that, but in modern times, people are not exposed to the concept and this is the only way I can explain it to someone who has no exposure to it.

Three religions that come to mind that use channeling or invocation as a major part of their rituals is Voodoo, Nordic paganism and Wicca. In Voodoo, the priest or priestess goes into a trance via dance and music which opens the priest or priestess up for channeling. The deity is said to “ride” the practitioner. They act through the priest or priestess and give blessings, prophecies and answer questions. In Nordic Paganism Odin rides the seidr or shaman in much the same way. In Wicca, the main times the priestess or priest embody the deity is for drawing down the moon which is when the priestess invokes the Goddess at the full moon and for the Great Rite where the priest invokes the God and the priestess channels the Goddess to enact the symbolic union of the two deities or the very real union of the two. Just like in Voodoo, the deities can give blessings, prophecies and answer questions, but also may help the witches perform magick.

 The Great Rite is a modern version of an ancient rite that was performed throughout Europe to promote the growth of crops, fertility of humans and animals and to bless the tribe/community. In Greece this was called the Hieros Gamos. This concept was also seen in other cultures and sometimes the priestess was seen as married to a god and only that god. Also, in the temples of Aphrodite, the priestesses embodied Aphrodite and the men who visited were thought to have intercourse with the goddess directly. This also is where we get the concept of demigods. When these types of rites took place, and the woman became pregnant, the child was thought to be the son or daughter of that god and therefore was then a demigod. This is one concept that is shared with Christianity, the idea of a woman being impregnated by the divine.

This concept goes back to the idea of embodying a deity that was of a particular animal to hunt that animal. Then, the participant would also embody that animal and perform intercourse with another human portraying the animal to promote the fertility of that animal so that the animal was always in abundance for hunting. They would wear the animal’s skin like a cloak and act as that animal while channeling. We see these paintings on cave walls. This is the bridge between animism and polytheism. We believed we could embody a Spirit of a type of animal that then turned into the concept of the deity of that animal. Examples are Cernunnos, Pan, Herne, Dianus, Faunus, Freyr, Sylvanus, the Green Man and Puck.

Another ancient concept where a practitioner channels a deity is of prophecy such as the Oracle of Delphi. Priests and Priestesses embodied a deity to give prophecy. In Celtic culture seers were called Vates, Faiths and Dryw. In Yoruba culture they are\Babaloawos and Iyanifas. Well, you get the picture. Around the world there is a concept of giving divine prophecy.

 There are plenty of differences between the way that polytheistic believers view the world in comparison to those believers of monotheistic religions and I have covered a few major ones here. In understanding my views and those of my characters when reading my book one must understand polytheism. I hope that for those of you who know nothing about polytheism reading this can walk away with at least this much, polytheism is about balance, nature, a deep spiritual connection to the divine and a multifaceted understanding of the world that surpasses concrete good versus evil ideology.

Bisexuality: My Path to Self Discovery and Acceptance

I decided I should go back and add a disclaimer. I want to say that I am not an expert on this subject and that I have just recently come to terms with my sexuality so I am still learning and growing. Life is fluid and as we grow, things change. Things have already changed since I even wrote this. As we learn, we change our minds about things, so what is written here isn't the end all for me. I will change and grow and so will my opinion about bisexuality.

I’m bisexual. There I’ve said it. Now you can work on getting over it.

I didn’t always know that I was bisexual. I look back on my childhood and see that I was fixated on certain females, but I just thought it was that I looked up to them. I don’t recall any sexual arousal from boys or men as a child, so of course I didn’t feel any sexual arousal from women or girls. I just had crushes and didn’t realize that’s what it was. I grew up in the 80’s so there wasn’t much exposure in the media of lesbian couples or other forms of sexuality besides straight couples. I thought I was only supposed to like boys and since I liked boys, then I was normal, right?

As I grew up, I don’t remember having feelings for any of my friends, but I’m not 100% sure of that. I think I just saw them differently because they were my friends. I do however recall having crushes on girls at school that I had a hard time talking to. I just thought I admired them and looked up to them, but looking back, it was definitely a crush. I acted toward them and felt the same about them as boys I had crushes on. I just pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t think about the sexual nature of the attraction.

I definitely had crushes on famous people when I was young, but thought that I was just idolizing them. I was in love with Yvonne Craig in her role as batgirl. I think it’s funny now because girls I find sexy now seem to share some features with her. I watched many Marilyn Monroe movies and I remember feeling enamored with her. I also “admired” Jane Russell when she was in Gentlemen Prefer Blonds with Marilyn. I used to look at the record cover for Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and thinking that Joan was breathtaking. Well, you get the picture.

I think it was easy to dismiss my feelings because I loved boys. I loved wrestling with boys, climbing trees with them, teasing them, holding their hands, kissing them, etc. I’ve kissed over 30 guys in my life. If peck kisses count when we’re younger then the list will be far greater. I just loved boys. When I got older, I loved men. Well, being straight is what we were “supposed to be.” Liking boys was what I was “supposed to do.” Since I liked boys so much and fantasized about them and chased after them, then why would I even pay attention to my feelings toward girls? Also, since I am attracted to less females than males, I wasn’t always exposed to the ones I felt something for.

Once I got into high school, I became friends with a bisexual girl and best friends with a lesbian. I especially had numerous questions for my lesbian friend. This is when I first admitted attraction to some girls. However, I grew up in a very repressed area. I was taught that the vulva and the vagina were taboo and sex was bad. Girls masterbating was a foreign concept and those who did were seen as slutty or mentally disturbed. Since I felt such strange feelings against my own parts, how was I supposed to please another girl who also had those parts? So, I could still dismiss my attraction.

Once in college, I began to work through these negative feelings about being a woman and female sexuality. Becoming Wiccan definitely helped with this. Once getting over this, I could think more deeply about my feelings, only I was in a serious relationship with an extremely controlling and jealous man. So, again I dismissed these feelings and didn’t think too hard on them. Then, one day, we were watching a lesbian porn and I noticed I was feeling quite aroused. I didn’t want to discuss it with him so I kept it to myself.

I decided that since I had these feelings but never explored them, I would just not define my sexuality. However, recently some issues came up that made me face myself and I acknowledged that yes, I’m bisexual. I am not equally attracted to women as I am men and I have never really acted upon those urges, but I am attracted to both men and women. I decided to be fairly open about it. I have family members that I knew would not be cool with it, so I decided to leave those people out. I find no reason to share personal things with people when I know good and well that they are going to be completely negative about it. However, I was surprised at some of the reactions of people I knew which then made me more wary of sharing this information with everyone.

The first thing some people thought was that I was going to go pick up a woman or try to find a girlfriend. Though it had crossed my mind to explore my new acceptance since I had never done so in the past and my wonderful hubby was even supportive of this, I knew that it wouldn’t feel right since I’d been monogamous for so many years. There was lots of discussion between the two of us as there often is. We decided to discuss and deal with issues as they come up and just not persue anything at this time. We were going to keep an open mind and not flat out say no to everything as we are confronted with it. Both of us have discussed the possibility of having a three way, but that’s never happened. We still acknowledge that this is still in the realm of possibilties, but it doesn’t mean we are actively persuing it or that all bisexuals are into that. We have thought of possibly getting a girlfriend, but it’s not something we are worried about. I guess if the right girl came along we’d try it out. However, we’re perfectly content with the way things are at the time.

　

My husband and I have an incredibly trusting relationship and we are very open-minded. Many people just don’t get it. Jealousy is not a typical issue with us. So, when I’ve told certain people that I’ve realized that I’m bi, they tell me that it will ruin my relationship and especially if I experiment with this. Three ways are out of the questions because it will cause jealousy and contempt. Well, sorry we don’t have the typical relationship, but we just don’t. You don’t know anything about that. Stop with your judgemental “only monogamy works” attitudes. Plenty of relationships outside the norm work just fine.

Also, I’ve been told that bisexuals are just confused. If I was straight and now I’m bi, it’s really because I’m a lesbian in transition. Good thing no one has said this to me directly since I have come to accept the bisexual side of myself. I think I’d fly off on their pretentious asses. I love dick. I have wonderful straight sex. Just because I also like girls doesn’t mean that I’m a lesbian. I really love men. I love the way they look and the way they feel. I just happen to like the way women look and feel too.

 

What I think annoys me most is the fact that others who I personally know who are attracted to both genders do not identify as such. Most have the misconception that you have to have an equal attraction to both. You do not. I like men over women and I find more guys attractive than I do women. However, I am attracted to women. I find them absolutely sexy. I love their round breasts and hips. I find the vulva a work of art. It turns me on to look at certain women and as I said, I get turned on by lesbian porn. However, I refuse to define people for them and everyone defines themselves however they please in my opinion. I just think that other people have difficulty coming to terms with their bisexuality because it’s not socially acceptable and looked down upon.

 

Being bisexual to me is not the same as being pansexual. However, again, other people may define their sexuality the way they want to. I had a friend who identified as bi, but he also is attracted to someone who has big breasts and a penis. This would be pansexual to me because there are more than two sexes. I am not attracted to that or other genders, though there are many people who are. It’s not that I find it to be ugly or wrong, it’s just not something that turns me on or attracts me. I have seen some beautiful preop transexuals and I think there is some astheticism to it, but I have no sexual arousal from it. Though, I do respect them and support them and believe that they should be treated better in our society and not be discriminated against. I can say that I find some men attractive in women’s clothing or the agerogeny of Gothic men sexy. I find some tomboy women sexy as well. However, I enjoy a penis on a man’s body and a vagina on a women’s. It’s just what I’m attracted to.

Another frustrating thing is that many ignorant men think that I am flirting and having fun with women for their entertainment. I am just trying to turn them on. I was flirting with and touching a friend who was touching me as well while she was extremely drunk. We do this when sober too, but this time she happened to be plowed. This guy we had never met (a friend of a friend) was all over her. When we did this, he started to instruct her to put her hand into my blouse which I promptly stopped from happening. I am not porn on demand. I’m not bisexual for your entertainment pleasure. I did kiss a friend in front of her hubby for his birthday, but we’re all close friends and it was all fun and games. He wasn’t pushing it to happen or anything and I feel this type of thing is okay. However, this other guy didn’t even know either of us and my friend was inebriated to the point she didn’t even remember it happening. That’s taking advantage of people. He was obviously way more sober than her. Besides that we weren’t doing this for him, hell we didn’t even know him. He just assumed it couldn’t possibly be that we were having fun with each other. We had to be sluts trying to turn him on.

In my book, my vampires are all bisexual, or probably more pansexual. However, this differs from me and many other bisexuals. The vampires are moved more by their baser instincts of feeding and sexual arousal. Over time they learn to tame these drives, but they are turned on a little too easily. Most of them live polyamorously because of this. I’m afraid that people reading the book may get the impression that bisexuals are all promiscuous. These are vampires and not humans, just to make that distinction. I have had sex with no one but my husband for the past ten years. Many bisexuals are monogamous and to me though, there’s nothing wrong with polyamory or many other forms of relationships outside of monogamy. There are many monogamous relationships that are unhealthy and do not work out well, so I don’t understand why people look down on those who are not monogamous. They say its unhealthy, but I see that either way can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the people involved.

Well, coming to terms with my bisexuality has been extremely frustrating and confusing. However, I know that getting to know myself leads to spiritual growth. I’ve learned that I don’t have to really change anything about my life except that I can be more open and honest about my feelings and attractions. I know that people will not always accept this about me because it’s still extremely tabboo, but so is a lot of things about me.

　

　

　

　

Playing God (Character Development)

I had a reader comment that his favorite aspect to my writing is my character development. I had to give it some thought as to what my process actually is because I just write it out and don’t necessarily think to deeply into my process as I create my characters and develop them through the story. Once I got to thinking about it I realized that I get ideas for characters from different sources. However, how I develop them through the story is generally the same.

The first two characters I started with were Bianca and Michael both of which started from dreams I had. Bianca’s was the first dream which is the opening scene of her first chapter. As a vampire, I jumped on a big burly guy who was trying to mug me, fed off of him and killed him, leaving him in the alley. I went to my apartment and prepared myself for the visit from my lover. My dream about Michael was that I was Michael and I escaped a prison from hunters and then had sex with Collin.

However, dreams are not my only resources. Phil is based off of a very close friend. Lenore is probably the closest character to being me, though I admit that all the characters are a part of my psyche. Ceneric is pretty close to my husband and Stearc is his really dark side. There are other characters that I drew from based off my life experiences, generally splashed with several personalities of people I know into one form. One example of this is Achilles in the second book who is an amalgamation of men in my life including my husband, friend’s and exboyfriends. In the second book, Fiona is based off of my high school self.

The third source for inspiration is mixing historical figures with other fictional characters creating one unique individual. Marcus is the greatest example of this. The biggest inspiration for Marcus was Marcus Antonius including different versions of him in movies and shows. However, another figure that inspired me was Alexander the Great including different versions of him in movies. Which some of my characters are straight out of history such as Antonio and in the second book, Veronica.

I first think about the character as a whole. I picture them as a complete person. There’s first what’s there on the outside which is the theme or the superficial part of the character. If we left it there, the character would be way too one dimensional. The next part is figuring out how they are on the inside. What’s their secrets and how do they view the world? Then I think about their strengths and weaknesses. Next, I think about what their motivation is. What drives them? Then, the icing on the cake is how they interact with other characters. The last part is what I find to be the most fun. I try to picture it as a TV show or movie and actually play out the scenes in my head. I think about what if these characters were real. How would they get along? How would their personalities click or conflict? Can they learn to get along with each other? Would they be enemies or could they at least tolerate each other? Could one fuck up something and destroy the relationship with the other? One pair I decided would work well with a tense friendship with lots of witty banter after the tension of their disagreements waned.

The other thing I take into consideration is the time period the character is from. What’s the relationships between the sexes and races, and the view on religion, sexuality, culture, etc. in that time and place? Then, since they are vampires, I take into consideration their development and growth throughout the ages. How much interaction did they have with humans? How does being a vampire change their view on the important issues I listed above as well? My vampires are driven by their baser instincts though they keep their personalities and can learn to tame these urges. So, how does this affect their view of the world and themselves? As for the werewolves, how does their religion on culture affect their interaction with others and their view of the world? Achilles became a punk for a reason. It’s not just a typical teenage rebellion. He is rebelling against the role he is forced into.

 

Since I write through first person switching point of view with the different characters, I have to keep on my toes. I have to be aware of my own feelings and perspective. I have to remember not to confuse characters and make sure that they keep their core personality every time I switch. I have to put myself into that character and make sure that I speak through them and see the situation through their eyes. They may not make the same decisions I would make so I have to remember to justify their actions to myself and the reader. To get into that persona I may watch a particular movie or show or listen to certain music. Since I am a gamer, particularly RPG of the D&D or Masquerade type, I find it fairly easy to slip into a character and become them as I write.  

The most important part of character development I believe is reviewers. You need people to read and critique your book before you publish it. I find it helpful in character development because you will find out quickly if the character comes across the way you want them too. Now, you can’t please everyone and not everyone will get into all your characters, but you want the writing to convey what you are trying to say about the characters. As the writer, it is all too easy to picture the character and know the motivations but leave out important key details in the writing. I take the feedback from my reviewers and reread the character. I can always spot where I went wrong. If I ask enough questions I can also figure out what it is about the character that gave them the wrong impression. I feel so passionately about my characters that I have to keep my emotional response in check because it’s easy to get defensive. I remember an issue recently with Marcus when I became upset and thought there is no way that I conveyed him in such a way that would be outside of who I want him to be. However, after rereading him, I realized quickly that I had because I left out details that needed to be there.

  

There’s a great deal that goes into character development and besides the plot itself is the most important part of the story. If the characters are not fleshed out enough you can lose your readers as they fail to relate to them. If they are too boring then the readers can lose interest. If they interact with others out of character or react to a situation out of character then you confuse your reader unless you can justify it. The story is ultimately about your characters. It’s their story.