50 Shades of Grey is not about BDSM

I would like to say upfront that I am not a part of the BDSM community. However, I have had a lot of exposure to the community. As I have said in a previous blog, the BDSM community is a sort of sister community to the Goth community. Many Goth clubs have BDSM rooms or areas. Goth people tend to be extremely open about sexuality and discussions of these sorts are fairly normal. I used to frequent two different clubs that had BDSM within the club. I watched people be tied up, whipped, shocked, and set on fire. I am not the end all be all expert on BDSM, but I can guarantee I know a hell of a lot more about it than the general public or EL James.

First off, I would like to begin by defining exactly what BDSM is. BDSM stands for bondage/discipline, dominant/submissive, sadistic/masochistic. Each of these terms are paired with another to denote the type of relationship people may have with each other. These terms usually are linked with sex, but not always. Some people may experiment or engage in such activities in the bedroom all on their own, but what we are discussing here is the subculture.

Bondage denotes any form of restraining someone. This could be handcuffs, chains, ropes, etc. Discipline denotes rules and consequences. If the subject breaks a rule they are disciplined by means of cuffing them to a bed, spanking them, etc. Dominant denotes someone who likes to dominate the other person, who sets the rules and caries out the punishment and rewards. The extreme version of this would be the “master” in the relationship. Submissive is someone who likes to be dominated in a relationship, who likes the rules, who likes the punishment and who likes the rewards. The extreme example of this would be more of a “slave” in the relationship. A sadist is someone who likes to inflict pain such as piercing, whipping, spanking, clamping, pinching, biting, etc. A masochist is someone who likes to have the pain inflicted on them.

These types of relationships require an exceptional amount of communication and trust. First you need to find someone who fits your style of the above category. If you don’t have the same tastes then it’s a no go unless you can negotiate. Once you find the right fit, a contract is drawn. The contract expresses the rules in the relationship before any BDSM activities take place so that you both know and understand the other’s lines, requirements and triggers. Safety words are used for when one needs to end the session or what BDSM folks call a “scene.”

The key to this is having a consensual, informed and verbally open relationship. No one is ever forced, coerced or manipulated into these kinds of relationships or types of play. That is the number one rule of this community. Otherwise, it is abuse and not BDSM. That is why I am disgusted with the 50 Shades of Grey. In her interview on 20/20, EL James states, “I had read a couple of things about BDSM and was thinking what if you met someone and you didn’t want to do this? What would happen?” I’ll tell you what would happen, Ms James. It wouldn’t happen. BDSM is first and foremost consensual. I have had someone argue that Ana does want to be Christian’s sub. This is bullshit. Ana wants to change Christian’s mind about BDSM so that she can have her vanilla relationship with him. She agrees to the BDSM so that she can continue to have sex with him. Doing something you don’t want to for a person just to have sex with them is not the same as having the desire to do it.

Here are a few websites that I found that are quite useful in explaining how to get started in this community and what beginning a relationship of this sort looks like.

http://www.bdsmforwriters.com/BDSM_Relationships.html

http://www.evilmonk.org/A/10femtip.cfm
 
“Study and otherwise prepare before you approach it.”


“Get some perspective.”

“Time is your best and most important friend.” – this is the one about taking your time and not diving head first into the unknown.

“You may get more attention than you can easily handle.”

“Take "elite" (and other) claims with a large grain of salt.”

“Know that "malicious warnings" occur.” – This one is about how the community tries to warn newcomers of harmful and abusive people to stay away from.

“Beware, especially, of the person who tries to isolate you.”

‘Seek, especially, the advice and companionship of other submissive women.”

‘Explore.”

‘When the proper time comes, help educate and orient new submissive women, and others.”

This is all very good advice.

http://slaveduties.com/2008/10/13/how-to-start-exploring-bdsm-a-beginner%E2%80%99s-guide/
"Safe, Sane, and Consensual

That’s the motto of the BDSM community. While a BDSM exchange can look intimidating, it's important to know that the people involved have talked beforehand and decided what they would like to experience together It's this process that clearly separates BDSM from abuse. Communication and consent are the tools that people who enjoy BDSM use to keep themselves and their partners safe.

Some people are afraid that if they consent to some aspect of BDSM play, they'll never be able to say “no” if they decide they don't like spanking or bondage after all. Remember that you are in complete control of how you act on your desires. And you have a right to use your safeword (see safety tip later on), change your mind, or re-negotiate at any time.

Other people are afraid that once they experience stronger sensations, they will want more and more. That might happen, but it's unlikely that trying out a set of nipple clamps will be a one-way ticket to the dungeon and a full-time master/slave relationship.”

Before even discussing whether or not Ana knows anything about this subculture and educating her about what it is and before discussing with her if she would be open to experiencing it, Christian takes her right to his dungeon and shows her the contract. Ana’s sex life hasn’t even been discussed up to this point and Christian becomes upset when he finds out after he throws her into his BDSM world head first that she is a virgin. After knowing this about her and deciding to be her first he just goes on with his plans. He ties her up with no questions asked the second go around. Poor Ana is introduced to different toys and things during sex without any discussion or explanation beforehand. That’s a big no-no. He gives her the contract, but forges on without it signed, throwing BDSM left and right to her without any education before hand when she hasn’t experienced any sex let alone BDSM. WTF?

http://www.blogher.com/troubling-message-fifty-shades-grey
“However, in truth, the world -- with all its old cars and commercial airlines -- is nowhere nearly as dangerous as Christian is himself, not because he practices BDSM but because he's a terrible dominant.”

“For starters, it's one thing to lead someone who has never experienced BDSM into new experiences but it's really quite another to so eagerly select a virgin with no sexual experience whatsoever.’

“The scene where Christian tries to convince Anastasia that her being wet means she wants to be abused makes me physically ill.”

“Most people who practice BDSM, regardless of their level of experience, require some level of aftercare and leaving someone who is only experimenting, someone who is not only new to the lifestyle but to sexual experience in general, alone after play is unconscionable.”

“‘This, perhaps, is the most egregious attempt against people who live a BDSM lifestyle. Not only does this book make broken monsters out of people who have examined their desires and had the courage to see where they will take them, but it promises readers that they can be cured -- and cured through bad communication, passive aggression, and petulant fits, at that.”
avfloxin Love & Sex, I couldn’t agree with you more.

Here is the 10 Golden Rules of BDSM Negotiation:http://www.masterdale.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=3247
I think Ana needed to read “8. You may be negotiating in good faith, but you have to be aware that the other person might not be doing the same thing either through inexperience or bad intentions. Be wary of coercion…”

If there are arguments that he didn’t coerce her then the signs of abusive control is definitively apparent before we even get to any BDSM or sex because Christian Grey is first and foremost a stalker. Who tracks someone they just met by their cell phone? A stalker, that’s who.

“There’s nothing I can say that will make what I did alright. I know that, but I need you to know that it came from some place good.” - David Mccall, Fear
“With boyfriends like this, who needs enemies?” - Tagline, Fear, 1996
Ana decides to go to a bar and get wasted and Christian Grey stalks her by tracking her GPS on her cell phone.The creep doesn’t take her to her own home when he finds her drunk but instead takes her to his home. These should have been red flags. Then he makes the statement, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.” Please run as far away from any man who barely knows you and makes a statement like this. It just screams abuse.

I have too much to say about the scene where he spanks Ana. They go over a list of things she is to say whether or not she is okay with even though she knows nothing about these things and doesn’t even know what they look like and sex acts she hasn’t experienced and may have never even heard of. This is where she tells Christian that she is unsure about the punishment part and she has doubts and reservations about it. She tells him she definitely doesn’t want caned, but he ignores that and tells her that she will like it and they will work up to it. The next day, even though the contract hasn’t been signed, he is referring to her as his sub and decides to punish her for rolling her eyes. Despite the fact that she has reservations about punishment and hasn’t signed the contract he spanks her hard enough that she is still in pain the next day. He of course follows the spankings with sex. Once he rubs her ass with oil he simply asks her if she is okay and she says yes. Obviously Ana is giving all the signs that she is not okay such as not looking at him and acting stoically. He ignores this and the fact that she has never experienced anything like this before and decides to leave her anyway. Christian doesn’t stay for aftercare.

http://islandofpain.com/2009/01/20/importance-of-aftercare/

“And good BDSM always creates strong emotions, but good BDSM becomes even better if the emotions are understood and put on the table – The feelings that the scene invoked needs to be understood. This is where the role of the dominant also becomes very important. As a dominant you have to push the submissive to work through the emotional response.”

When he sees her the next day he chastises her for not being honest with him about it. However, the entire story thus far, when Ana shares her thoughts or feelings she is chastised for being too rebellious, thinking too hard or disagreeing with him or he just dismisses her emotions all together. When she finally tells him she didn’t like it he tells her she is not supposed to. Excuse me, but that is not BDSM. In BDSM the participants agree to these things because they do like it. Otherwise it has no point and it is then abuse. Then she tells him she was confused. He dismisses all of this by justifying the whole thing as he explains that she was wet for him. That invalidated her emotions as if her bodily response were the only important thing here. This scene sickened me to no end. How anyone can read this and find Christian Grey to be in any way shape or form attractive and want a man like that is beyond me. This isn’t the way BDSM works and it is obviously abuse and manipulation.

Speaking of abuse, EL James does a really good job of encouraging the stereotype that people who are into BDSM are mentally damaged and are into it because of childhood abuse. This is not the case. Studies have shown that they have no more of a prevalence of history of abuse in that community than the general population. http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/shortcuts/2012/jul/08/fifty-shades-grey-bad-bondage

“After giving each of the 132 participants four hours of psychological tests, as well as a face-to-face interview, I found that, in fact, the group was generally not mentally unhealthy, and the instances of early abuse that had long been associated with the adult practice of BDSM were present in just a few.”

Here’s another article discussing the judgments from the mainstream culture against this subculture:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-ordinary/200904/whats-dangerous-about-bdsm

Here’s a good website that explains how the BDSM community has taken measures to protect against abuse: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/03/thinking-more-clearly-about-bdsm-versus-abuse/

This is the The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team post that discussed how, “not only is abuse within the community rare, but abusive BDSM relationships seem more likely to happen outside the community.”

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/01/16/the-alt-sex-anti-abuse-dream-team/

I found this to be a wonderful blog breaking down the stereotypes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kayt-sukel/bdsm_b_1554310.html
Another thing that gets my feathers ruffled is how Ana constantly looks down her nose at BDSM & even “changes him” in the end. There is nothing wrong with enjoying BDSM in the bedroom or in life in general. We are all supposed to secretly enjoy the BDSM sex throughout the book just to snub it as it is supposed to be seen as bad and unhealthy in the end and be happy that she now has a vanilla relationship with him. When given Christian’s hard list of things he will not do, most of the things on that list are typical things in BDSM and yet she makes the statement, “Ugh, he has to write these down! Of course they all look completely sensible, and frankly necessary… any sane person wouldn’t want to be involved in this sort of thing, surely? Though I now feel a little queasy.” With the exception of children, animals, feces and urination, the list isn’t outside the realm of normal BDSM play. “No acts of fire play.” Please! I saw acts of fire play at the freaking club quite frequently. It wasn’t that crazy. They would pour a liquid over a person’s arm, light it on fire and immediately put it out with a mitt. It would cause intense heat, but left no burn. “No acts of needles, knifes, piercing or blood,” and “no acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin.” Well there goes suspension which I have also seen on many occasions. “No acts involving gynecological instruments.” At the local BDSM store, this is one of the first thing one sees under the glass at the counter. Also, he may be against the tools but he is not above bringing an OBGYN to his home to do an exam on her. What a creepster. The rule against breath control is the only one I can speak little about because I know little about. Websites I’ve seen warn that it is a dangerous activity and considered edge play so it is not recommended and should only be conducted by those with a lot of experience.

Again, I cannot emphasize how horribly unrealistic and ignorant this book is. All it does is give those who are uninformed the wrong information. There are many erotic novels out there and many that have a BDSM theme. Many of these books are actually well written too. Please find something more tasteful to read. Don’t settle for this cheap crap. Here’s a website that has some book reviews for BDSM themed novels:

http://bdsmbookreviews.blogspot.com/2010/08/memorable-bdsm-books.html

　

　

Antifeminism in 50 Shades of Grey

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Goth Culture

So, the subject of the Goth culture has come up frequently lately and the question seems to be “What is Goth?” Well, to get down to the core of it I would like to review the history of the movement. During the post-punk era of the early 1980’s, several bands emerged from the punk scene with something new and different. Their lyrics were macabre, music was eerie and style was dark. They were dubbed “Goth”. Most of the musicians felt that this label was a slight and refused to embrace the term. After some time with the word being passed around, the term was finally embraced by the followers of this music genre.

 

 

The original Goth scene, just as today, emanated the dark vamp style of old horror flicks such as Bela Lugosi as Dracula, Theda Bara and Musidora. The most well known Goth rock bands at the time were definitely The Bauhaus, The Sisters of Mercy and Souixsie and the Banshees. As the scene began to develop, other aspects of Gothic horror emerged. art, literature, film, fashion etc. became a part of the subculture. After all, the term Goth refers to Victorian Gothic horror in the first place. Most notably Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (The Modern Prometheus), Robert Lewis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hide, and any work by Edgar Allen Poe were the very reason this music scene was dubbed Goth in the first place. Victorian Gothic literature itself was born out of romanticism which bleeds right into the Gothic culture today.

In the 1980’s, another form of music emerged which is known as industrial. Industrial music was a blending of hard rock/heavy metal and synthetic sounds that mimicked heavy machinery. The style of dress tended to be on the dark side as well and the lyrics were also macabre but in a different more “in your face” way. The look tended to be more tattered and less romantic than their Goth rock counterparts. Within this arena were bands like Velvet Acid Christ, KMFDM, Skinny Puppy and Sister Machine Gun. By the 1990’s, the movement was popularized by Nine Inch Nails. Because of a similar taste in the dark, macabre and horror, the two subcultures collided and those who listened to industrial music were then dubbed Goth.

 

 

Through this progression, Goth has become quite a diverse subculture and has embraced other subcultures that have commonalities. The BDSM subculture, I call our sister subculture, usually mingles right along at many goth clubs and events. The steampunk subculture is very similar in style to the Victorian gothic style, so many have adapted and adopted this look as well. The Cybergoths/Gravers came about by a mixture of goth fashion and tastes with that of ravers and with a futuristic spin. This mixing of genres and styles has kept Goth adapting and thriving over the years.

The common thread amongst Goths at least in my experience is a romanticism of the macabre and a fascination with death and all things creepy. Goths tend to be open minded and accepting of who people are. Yes, there are judgmental Goths. I am not saying there’s not. There are plenty of Goths who think they are “gothier than thou“, but for the most part, Goths are pretty accepting people. Goths tend to have a liberated sexuality. This is why it is so easy for this subculture to fit right along with the BDSM subculture. In the goth crowd, it is easy to find openly gay, bisexual, transgender, transexual, pansexual and polyamorous people. Goths also tend to share a similar sense of humor that is dark, sometimes lowbrow, and very sarcastic. Goths tend to love the arts and literature. This harkens back to the link between this subculture and the literature of the same name. Goths also tend to educate themselves and love open discussion. They appreciate the intellect.

However, there are things that do not matter to most Goths such as religion and political convictions. I have met Goths of many different religious persuasions such as Wicca, Christianity, Neo Pagan, Buddhist, and the Nordic/Scandinavian beliefs, and I’ve met many who are atheists. Though political persuasions do not have to be the same, Goths tend to be for equality and civil rights.

Well, that is about how I understand the Gothic subculture and my experience of it. Some of it is generalized, but anything that we attempt to define is. Sometimes I take for granted that people just understand these things or have experienced things that I have. I hate when I make these assumptions So, I hope that my explanation here helps some understand my point of view and the subculture that I am a part of.

　

Killing Characters

I have always hated it when you get really attached to characters in a book just to see them killed off. I am really attached to my own characters in The Blood War Chronicles and have debated this question. To kill or not to kill? That is the question. Anywho, I have debated with a couple of my main characters. Should I kill them off? If I were a reader reading my book, would I get pissed off if this character dies? Should I mess around with deaths of main characters at all? What about secondary characters? I just wonder how other people feel about main character and secondary character deaths.