Bisexuality: My Path to Self Discovery and Acceptance

I decided I should go back and add a disclaimer. I want to say that I am not an expert on this subject and that I have just recently come to terms with my sexuality so I am still learning and growing. Life is fluid and as we grow, things change. Things have already changed since I even wrote this. As we learn, we change our minds about things, so what is written here isn't the end all for me. I will change and grow and so will my opinion about bisexuality.

I’m bisexual. There I’ve said it. Now you can work on getting over it.

I didn’t always know that I was bisexual. I look back on my childhood and see that I was fixated on certain females, but I just thought it was that I looked up to them. I don’t recall any sexual arousal from boys or men as a child, so of course I didn’t feel any sexual arousal from women or girls. I just had crushes and didn’t realize that’s what it was. I grew up in the 80’s so there wasn’t much exposure in the media of lesbian couples or other forms of sexuality besides straight couples. I thought I was only supposed to like boys and since I liked boys, then I was normal, right?

As I grew up, I don’t remember having feelings for any of my friends, but I’m not 100% sure of that. I think I just saw them differently because they were my friends. I do however recall having crushes on girls at school that I had a hard time talking to. I just thought I admired them and looked up to them, but looking back, it was definitely a crush. I acted toward them and felt the same about them as boys I had crushes on. I just pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t think about the sexual nature of the attraction.

I definitely had crushes on famous people when I was young, but thought that I was just idolizing them. I was in love with Yvonne Craig in her role as batgirl. I think it’s funny now because girls I find sexy now seem to share some features with her. I watched many Marilyn Monroe movies and I remember feeling enamored with her. I also “admired” Jane Russell when she was in Gentlemen Prefer Blonds with Marilyn. I used to look at the record cover for Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and thinking that Joan was breathtaking. Well, you get the picture.

I think it was easy to dismiss my feelings because I loved boys. I loved wrestling with boys, climbing trees with them, teasing them, holding their hands, kissing them, etc. I’ve kissed over 30 guys in my life. If peck kisses count when we’re younger then the list will be far greater. I just loved boys. When I got older, I loved men. Well, being straight is what we were “supposed to be.” Liking boys was what I was “supposed to do.” Since I liked boys so much and fantasized about them and chased after them, then why would I even pay attention to my feelings toward girls? Also, since I am attracted to less females than males, I wasn’t always exposed to the ones I felt something for.

Once I got into high school, I became friends with a bisexual girl and best friends with a lesbian. I especially had numerous questions for my lesbian friend. This is when I first admitted attraction to some girls. However, I grew up in a very repressed area. I was taught that the vulva and the vagina were taboo and sex was bad. Girls masterbating was a foreign concept and those who did were seen as slutty or mentally disturbed. Since I felt such strange feelings against my own parts, how was I supposed to please another girl who also had those parts? So, I could still dismiss my attraction.

Once in college, I began to work through these negative feelings about being a woman and female sexuality. Becoming Wiccan definitely helped with this. Once getting over this, I could think more deeply about my feelings, only I was in a serious relationship with an extremely controlling and jealous man. So, again I dismissed these feelings and didn’t think too hard on them. Then, one day, we were watching a lesbian porn and I noticed I was feeling quite aroused. I didn’t want to discuss it with him so I kept it to myself.

I decided that since I had these feelings but never explored them, I would just not define my sexuality. However, recently some issues came up that made me face myself and I acknowledged that yes, I’m bisexual. I am not equally attracted to women as I am men and I have never really acted upon those urges, but I am attracted to both men and women. I decided to be fairly open about it. I have family members that I knew would not be cool with it, so I decided to leave those people out. I find no reason to share personal things with people when I know good and well that they are going to be completely negative about it. However, I was surprised at some of the reactions of people I knew which then made me more wary of sharing this information with everyone.

The first thing some people thought was that I was going to go pick up a woman or try to find a girlfriend. Though it had crossed my mind to explore my new acceptance since I had never done so in the past and my wonderful hubby was even supportive of this, I knew that it wouldn’t feel right since I’d been monogamous for so many years. There was lots of discussion between the two of us as there often is. We decided to discuss and deal with issues as they come up and just not persue anything at this time. We were going to keep an open mind and not flat out say no to everything as we are confronted with it. Both of us have discussed the possibility of having a three way, but that’s never happened. We still acknowledge that this is still in the realm of possibilties, but it doesn’t mean we are actively persuing it or that all bisexuals are into that. We have thought of possibly getting a girlfriend, but it’s not something we are worried about. I guess if the right girl came along we’d try it out. However, we’re perfectly content with the way things are at the time.

　

My husband and I have an incredibly trusting relationship and we are very open-minded. Many people just don’t get it. Jealousy is not a typical issue with us. So, when I’ve told certain people that I’ve realized that I’m bi, they tell me that it will ruin my relationship and especially if I experiment with this. Three ways are out of the questions because it will cause jealousy and contempt. Well, sorry we don’t have the typical relationship, but we just don’t. You don’t know anything about that. Stop with your judgemental “only monogamy works” attitudes. Plenty of relationships outside the norm work just fine.

Also, I’ve been told that bisexuals are just confused. If I was straight and now I’m bi, it’s really because I’m a lesbian in transition. Good thing no one has said this to me directly since I have come to accept the bisexual side of myself. I think I’d fly off on their pretentious asses. I love dick. I have wonderful straight sex. Just because I also like girls doesn’t mean that I’m a lesbian. I really love men. I love the way they look and the way they feel. I just happen to like the way women look and feel too.

 

What I think annoys me most is the fact that others who I personally know who are attracted to both genders do not identify as such. Most have the misconception that you have to have an equal attraction to both. You do not. I like men over women and I find more guys attractive than I do women. However, I am attracted to women. I find them absolutely sexy. I love their round breasts and hips. I find the vulva a work of art. It turns me on to look at certain women and as I said, I get turned on by lesbian porn. However, I refuse to define people for them and everyone defines themselves however they please in my opinion. I just think that other people have difficulty coming to terms with their bisexuality because it’s not socially acceptable and looked down upon.

 

Being bisexual to me is not the same as being pansexual. However, again, other people may define their sexuality the way they want to. I had a friend who identified as bi, but he also is attracted to someone who has big breasts and a penis. This would be pansexual to me because there are more than two sexes. I am not attracted to that or other genders, though there are many people who are. It’s not that I find it to be ugly or wrong, it’s just not something that turns me on or attracts me. I have seen some beautiful preop transexuals and I think there is some astheticism to it, but I have no sexual arousal from it. Though, I do respect them and support them and believe that they should be treated better in our society and not be discriminated against. I can say that I find some men attractive in women’s clothing or the agerogeny of Gothic men sexy. I find some tomboy women sexy as well. However, I enjoy a penis on a man’s body and a vagina on a women’s. It’s just what I’m attracted to.

Another frustrating thing is that many ignorant men think that I am flirting and having fun with women for their entertainment. I am just trying to turn them on. I was flirting with and touching a friend who was touching me as well while she was extremely drunk. We do this when sober too, but this time she happened to be plowed. This guy we had never met (a friend of a friend) was all over her. When we did this, he started to instruct her to put her hand into my blouse which I promptly stopped from happening. I am not porn on demand. I’m not bisexual for your entertainment pleasure. I did kiss a friend in front of her hubby for his birthday, but we’re all close friends and it was all fun and games. He wasn’t pushing it to happen or anything and I feel this type of thing is okay. However, this other guy didn’t even know either of us and my friend was inebriated to the point she didn’t even remember it happening. That’s taking advantage of people. He was obviously way more sober than her. Besides that we weren’t doing this for him, hell we didn’t even know him. He just assumed it couldn’t possibly be that we were having fun with each other. We had to be sluts trying to turn him on.

In my book, my vampires are all bisexual, or probably more pansexual. However, this differs from me and many other bisexuals. The vampires are moved more by their baser instincts of feeding and sexual arousal. Over time they learn to tame these drives, but they are turned on a little too easily. Most of them live polyamorously because of this. I’m afraid that people reading the book may get the impression that bisexuals are all promiscuous. These are vampires and not humans, just to make that distinction. I have had sex with no one but my husband for the past ten years. Many bisexuals are monogamous and to me though, there’s nothing wrong with polyamory or many other forms of relationships outside of monogamy. There are many monogamous relationships that are unhealthy and do not work out well, so I don’t understand why people look down on those who are not monogamous. They say its unhealthy, but I see that either way can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the people involved.

Well, coming to terms with my bisexuality has been extremely frustrating and confusing. However, I know that getting to know myself leads to spiritual growth. I’ve learned that I don’t have to really change anything about my life except that I can be more open and honest about my feelings and attractions. I know that people will not always accept this about me because it’s still extremely tabboo, but so is a lot of things about me.

　

　

　

　

Playing God (Character Development)

I had a reader comment that his favorite aspect to my writing is my character development. I had to give it some thought as to what my process actually is because I just write it out and don’t necessarily think to deeply into my process as I create my characters and develop them through the story. Once I got to thinking about it I realized that I get ideas for characters from different sources. However, how I develop them through the story is generally the same.

The first two characters I started with were Bianca and Michael both of which started from dreams I had. Bianca’s was the first dream which is the opening scene of her first chapter. As a vampire, I jumped on a big burly guy who was trying to mug me, fed off of him and killed him, leaving him in the alley. I went to my apartment and prepared myself for the visit from my lover. My dream about Michael was that I was Michael and I escaped a prison from hunters and then had sex with Collin.

However, dreams are not my only resources. Phil is based off of a very close friend. Lenore is probably the closest character to being me, though I admit that all the characters are a part of my psyche. Ceneric is pretty close to my husband and Stearc is his really dark side. There are other characters that I drew from based off my life experiences, generally splashed with several personalities of people I know into one form. One example of this is Achilles in the second book who is an amalgamation of men in my life including my husband, friend’s and exboyfriends. In the second book, Fiona is based off of my high school self.

The third source for inspiration is mixing historical figures with other fictional characters creating one unique individual. Marcus is the greatest example of this. The biggest inspiration for Marcus was Marcus Antonius including different versions of him in movies and shows. However, another figure that inspired me was Alexander the Great including different versions of him in movies. Which some of my characters are straight out of history such as Antonio and in the second book, Veronica.

I first think about the character as a whole. I picture them as a complete person. There’s first what’s there on the outside which is the theme or the superficial part of the character. If we left it there, the character would be way too one dimensional. The next part is figuring out how they are on the inside. What’s their secrets and how do they view the world? Then I think about their strengths and weaknesses. Next, I think about what their motivation is. What drives them? Then, the icing on the cake is how they interact with other characters. The last part is what I find to be the most fun. I try to picture it as a TV show or movie and actually play out the scenes in my head. I think about what if these characters were real. How would they get along? How would their personalities click or conflict? Can they learn to get along with each other? Would they be enemies or could they at least tolerate each other? Could one fuck up something and destroy the relationship with the other? One pair I decided would work well with a tense friendship with lots of witty banter after the tension of their disagreements waned.

The other thing I take into consideration is the time period the character is from. What’s the relationships between the sexes and races, and the view on religion, sexuality, culture, etc. in that time and place? Then, since they are vampires, I take into consideration their development and growth throughout the ages. How much interaction did they have with humans? How does being a vampire change their view on the important issues I listed above as well? My vampires are driven by their baser instincts though they keep their personalities and can learn to tame these urges. So, how does this affect their view of the world and themselves? As for the werewolves, how does their religion on culture affect their interaction with others and their view of the world? Achilles became a punk for a reason. It’s not just a typical teenage rebellion. He is rebelling against the role he is forced into.

 

Since I write through first person switching point of view with the different characters, I have to keep on my toes. I have to be aware of my own feelings and perspective. I have to remember not to confuse characters and make sure that they keep their core personality every time I switch. I have to put myself into that character and make sure that I speak through them and see the situation through their eyes. They may not make the same decisions I would make so I have to remember to justify their actions to myself and the reader. To get into that persona I may watch a particular movie or show or listen to certain music. Since I am a gamer, particularly RPG of the D&D or Masquerade type, I find it fairly easy to slip into a character and become them as I write.  

The most important part of character development I believe is reviewers. You need people to read and critique your book before you publish it. I find it helpful in character development because you will find out quickly if the character comes across the way you want them too. Now, you can’t please everyone and not everyone will get into all your characters, but you want the writing to convey what you are trying to say about the characters. As the writer, it is all too easy to picture the character and know the motivations but leave out important key details in the writing. I take the feedback from my reviewers and reread the character. I can always spot where I went wrong. If I ask enough questions I can also figure out what it is about the character that gave them the wrong impression. I feel so passionately about my characters that I have to keep my emotional response in check because it’s easy to get defensive. I remember an issue recently with Marcus when I became upset and thought there is no way that I conveyed him in such a way that would be outside of who I want him to be. However, after rereading him, I realized quickly that I had because I left out details that needed to be there.

  

There’s a great deal that goes into character development and besides the plot itself is the most important part of the story. If the characters are not fleshed out enough you can lose your readers as they fail to relate to them. If they are too boring then the readers can lose interest. If they interact with others out of character or react to a situation out of character then you confuse your reader unless you can justify it. The story is ultimately about your characters. It’s their story.